Over the next couple of years we went in and out of pursuing treatments but really we weren’t that serious about it.  It was not that we didn’t want to have a baby, it was more because the reality of our situation needed time to sink in plus the HUGE financial burden seemed so far out of reach.

On that June summer day, the day we found out why we weren’t getting pregnant something inside me clicked….

We were living in a place where there were many many couples our age….. most of them living lives similar to ours, school and work.  One thing that many of them had that we didn’t was children……

I longed for kids.  It was so hard for me to see others with babies…. it sort of made me mad… I hate to say that, but it’s true.

I was upset that others could find happiness and I could not….. I was throwing a selfish pity party….

On that day something clicked….I needed something to love, something to call my own, something to help heal my heart.  As weird as this may sound I went in search of a puppy….. The very weekend after we found out about our infertility I was out searching!

Since money was tight I knew we would probably end up with a pound dog, which I was totally fine with.

The only real problem was that I wanted a puppy….

Have you ever been to a pound? There is usually not a huge selection of puppies….. like none.

I went to dog fair after dog fair, pound after pound….. My weekends were dedicated entirely to finding a dog…kinda pathetic…. but I was on a mission.

After about one month of looking I had almost given up.

It was a Sunday afternoon and since Mr. Main was so busy he usually was not able to accompany me on my puppy searches.  I pleaded with him to come with me to the pound, the pound I had just been to the day before…… I just felt like we should go take another look!

We drove over and started to walk up and down the isles of the shelter.   The sounds of dogs whimpering and barking to get any attention filled the air.  You could sense the urgency in the barks, the dogs longing to get out of their cages.

Right in the middle of the shelter, we came to a cage that had a small ball of white fluff inside.  The dog was so small, yipping for attention.

We had someone come and open the cage so we could pet and hold HER…..

As soon as I laid eyes on her I knew she was supposed to be mine….

We went into the office and inquired about adopting her.  They told us she still needed some tests and that she was not able to be adopted yet.  We were told to check online every day until there was a mark next to her name.  Once the mark was there she would be ready to be adopted the next day.

She told me to arrive early as it was first-come-first-serve!

I checked diligently the next few days until she became available.  I woke up quite early that day.  I was on a mission and I did not want anyone else to get there before me….

I arrived at the shelter around 6 am, even though it didn’t open until 9 am… Yes, I am THAT crazy girl!

As I sat on the curb by the front door 5 people came behind me over the course of 3 hours asking me if I was there for the little white puppy…. Yes!!! Yes, I was!!

I was excited and nervous all at once.  Once the place opened they gave me a number.  I waited for what seemed like another hour until they finally called me up…..I was of course first in line!

After I paid the fee they told me she would need to go into surgery to be spayed and that I could come back the next day to pick her up.

When I arrived to pick her up she was so small and full of energy.  I hadn’t bought a dog crate yet so  I had to put her in a cardboard box in the back seat of the car….

She whined the whole drive home because she didn’t want to be alone.

On the other hand, I was grinning from ear to ear the ride home!!!

I had found a puppy….. the perfect puppy for me….

Let me ask you a question….Have you ever owned a puppy?

They are so cute….
They are so small……
They are so playful…..
They are so much work……!!

This was my first experience really having responsibility for something other than myself.  It was sort of eye opening for me.

I had to train her how to go potty outside.
I had to train her how to walk on a leash.
I had to train her how to come when called.
I had to train and train and train……..

The discipline that was needed to train her, trained myself.

I was, in a way, able to forget about the infertility issues looming.  I was able to focus my energy into something positive instead of dwelling the the negative that I could not change.

Having a puppy brought me so much joy.  Having something to distract my efforts and energy made all the difference.  It allowed me take a step back and see the bigger picture to realize that my life was not over that this was a hurdle and that was it.  It was a challenge that could be accomplished or somehow resolved….even if it meant adaption.

I was living my life before this puppy like it was over.  There were no more reasons to progress forward.  She helped me zap back into reality.  The reality that my life wasn’t over that I could still be happy!!

The name that we chose for her is Mazie! She is named after the girl from the movie “Uncle Buck.”  Not really that cool of a story…. but ya know!!

She will be turning 5 this year, my has time gone by fast.  She still has not lost here puppy attitude. I get asked all the time if she is a puppy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we all go through tough stuff, some of it is really really really tough.  Even harder than what we have had to go through.   We don’t have to live in a cave saying poor me.  We can lift our chins up and take a step forward.

Sometimes finding a puppy to love is all it takes to get zapped back into reality.

Life is still going to happen, time will still pass. Why sit in a corner and cry…. that surely won’t change anything…

So….

When all you can do is cry….. cryfor a while…..then get back up and keep moving….

Have you ever gone through something tough? How did you do it? How did you keep moving forward?

PART 4 Just a LIttle Sting

ello everyone!! If you have been following our infertility story here is the next installment.  You definitely are going to want to read the next two parts because although I am no writer…

I will have to say the the plot thickens and there is a pretty big twist at the end with a silver lining…wow!

**Also, there is a short video at the bottom of this post that is totally worth watching!!

Ok, onward we go!

It was a summer afternoon……to be more specific it was a June summer afternoon in 2012.  Just two years prior in 2010, after trying to get pregnant for many years, we had found out that we have infertility.  To see where this story all began, you must go back to the beginning.

The weather was warm and beautiful!  I had recently gotten a new job in a field that I had never worked before.  I was excited about learning new skills.  The future seemed good.  After years of struggling with the questions of why along with a huge pity party, I had come to a better place emotionally about our infertility status.

On that summer afternoon I told Mr. Main that I was ready to do IVF……just like that….. of course he said ok….our whirl wind experience was about to begin and I didnt even know it….

I guess my brain just needs time…. in this case 2 years…to internalize and come to grips with what I was faced with.  I just felt like the time had come to give it a try.

I had been doing research and comparing all of the IVF clinics in our area….. All of them promising a baby by showing their stats and services that they offered.

It just so happened that their was a clinic just up the road from where we were staying…it was literally 3 blocks away!!   I couldn’t believe it.  They were my top choice and it just seemed perfect.

We made our appointment to meet with the doctor for our consultation.  We told him our story from the beginning and the whole time he sort of nodded his head in short even nods as if to say he understood….or maybe it was because he had heard the same or similar story time and time before.

The dr. briefly discussed the price tag with us and although I knew it would be expensive I did have some sticker sock.

Now, I dont know about the rest of you but we did not have $20,000 saved up in the bank.  We needed to get out a loan.  At the time I had never bought anything more expensive than a nice pair of jeans….. no joke…..I hadn’t bought a car…..and actually I still haven’t.   Fingers crossed my little beater lasts a few more years….

I hadn’t even bought a house….The most money I had ever shelled out was for rent each month……

I was ready and prepared to move forward with IVF but wow I still had sticker shock.
It is sort of funny to me…..the price to pay for a baby…. most people would say that they are priceless….

And in a sense that is true, I guess.  But oh there is a price.

Not only did they tell us that it was going to be really expensive but they made us “pick out a plan.” Like people who have infertility don’t already have enough stress, they make you gamble.  You can choose to get one try as your plan, which costs the least.  You can choose to get two tries as your plan, or can choose to get unlimited tries until you have a baby…. That option is the most expensive.

If you read my last post Option #1 or Option #2 you might see a trend, we were faced with a lot of options and decisions…. all of which cost a lot!

I will spare you all of the goree details of how we came to our decisions and just tell you what we decided….

We did not want to preceed forward without knowing whether or not Mr. Main indeed had sperm.  We made an appointment for him to go up and have his surgery.  Since he had to undergo anthesthia he was not able to drive home, even three blocks.

For some reason, and I cannot remember now why but I was not able to leave work to be there…..  Something came up and I needed to stay.

Luckily,

We were staying with my in-laws during this whole process….. (which I might add is a whole other story in and of itself….)  We were quite private about this whole process and we only told Mr. Main’s dad what we were doing.  He was able to take Mr. Main up for his surgery and bring him home.

They told us they would call us as soon as possible with the results of his test.

We waited for what seemed forever for the doctors office to call.  Finally they called to say that there was indeed sperm!!!  Hooooorrraayyyyy!!

We were so relieved and excited!!!

This meant that they would freeze it….Once they were ready to use it they would thaw it out.  If it was still viable they would use it… if it wasn’t, then Mr. Main would have to have surgery again to get more fresh! ?

Since we knew that there was indeed sperm we could proceed forward with IVF and “choose our plan option.”

As far as which plan did we choose…. we felt like we would probably get pregnant the first time….we hoped anyway….. but we also didn’t want to put all of our eggs in one basket….. we went with the two try plan.

The Dr’s office luckily had a financing option and we felt like that was our only option so we took it.

I felt like the whole IVF process went very well…..except for the money part…. For how much it costs to do this you would think they would be super transparent and open…. for us this was not the case.

I was sitting in the financial office and we were going through all the papers and the numbers and she tells me that the $3000-$5000 medications would not be included in the financing…..my jaw just dropped and I started to bawl….  Like the type of crying that you do that you cannot control….

We knew medication costs were separate but since we were getting financing for everything we assumed that the medication charge would also be included…..they didn’t tell us one way or another and I didn’t think to ask.

It’s not like I wanted to sit there in front of this random lady and cry….. I tired my very hardest to keep it in but the crying just seemed to be worse…..I  could not figure out how I was going to come up with $3,000 right then to pay for medication.

So it was right then, right there, in the financial office at my doctors office that I made my first big purchase….

My first big purchase in life was for some tiny bottles of fluff, the medication…… I put it on the credit card…… not something I would normally recommend but I felt like I had no other way out.

I paid and it seemed that we were finally going to get started…..fingers crossed!!

To throw another wrench into the mix Mr. Main had just accepted a new position in a town that was over 3 hours away.  He was to start his job at the end of June.

I did not start the prep work for IVF until the end of June…..

I had to fill out many many forms with references and all kinds of information for these guys.  We had to get all of the financing squared away before they would let me start prepping for IVF.  Plus, they only did one cycle per month.  The pressure was on to get everything ready so that I would not have to wait another month to get going.

My husband was gone, my living conditions were not ideal and I just felt alone.  I really really wanted to make sure we could stay on track with this thing.

I went to an early saturday morning class where they show you how to give yourself a shot…a shot that you give daily….sometimes twice a day….. they show you how to mix the medication and how to tap the syringe to get all the air bubbles out.  They talked about what to expect in the retreval surgery as well as the transplant procedure.

It was all a blur…..

When it came time to give myself the first shot I went to my in-laws house and although 6 people lived there I was surprised to find myself all alone.  I set the needle and the medication bottle on the counter and just stared at it….. knowing that I would need to stick myself.  My hands were sweaty and I was unsure if I might be able to do it.  My eyes got teary and I said a silent prayer.

I remember telling myself that I had come so far.  I thought about years earlier having no knowledge about what was happening to us and why it was happening.  And now I was here…. getting my body ready to finally carry a baby!!!  I grabbed the needle and stuck it in my belly…..  from that moment on I didn’t have any problems giving the shots to myself.  I had come too far to let a small needle stop me…

The next month was such a whirlwind.  I was taking shots every day…having blood work multiple times per week… they were doing ultrasounds to see how many eggs were forming…. I am not going to go into too much detail but lets just say that my modesty went right out the window….everyone and anyone in that office has pretty much seen me nakie….shheesh.

Towards the end I felt very bloated and full…..

I went in for an ultrasound and they found over 20 eggs growing…..he said that I was going to ovulate soon and that I needed to take the ovulation shot that night.  The next day they would retrieve them……

It just so happened that the surgery day landed on Mr. Main’s only day off that week.  He was able to drive up and be with me….it worked out perfect.

My mother was also able to come up and I was so glad she was there.  I had to strip down into a gown with a shower cap on and whole shebang……

They hooked up the IV with the anesthesia medication to knock me out and within a snap I was starting to wake up.  The Dr. came in and told me that they had retrieved over 20 eggs.  They would start the fertilization process and within a few days I would be back hopefully to transplant an embryo!!

Mr. Main headed back down to our new home and I was again left alone.  I continued working and waiting….  The medication that I had been on to quickly grow over 20 eggs started to catch up with me and I began to feel sick and weak…..very, very sick……

For the next few days I lay on the couch motionless wishing Mr. Main was there.

The Dr. called me on monday and said that everything was looking good. I should expect to come in later that week for the transplant.  They called on wednesday and said it is time.  My mother had called me earlier that day and suggested she would come up and spend the day with me, even though it was a 2 hour drive one way.

It was perfect! Since Mr. Main was not able to be there I was so glad to have my mom!!

 

They did not need to put me under anesthesia.  The procedure was still done in the ER however.  They had me lay down and watch on the monitor through ultra sound.  I saw the swoosh of fluid containing two embryos being expelled into my body….I felt excited, it seemed unreal, like a dream all at once!! Now we wait…..

I had to wait a couple of weeks to see  if I was actually pregnant.   I moved down to be with Mr. Main immediately and did not wait the two weeks.  I applied for a job down there and got one quickly.

Here is another example of how the clinic did not communicate very well.  They knew that I was moving right away after the transplant but still they said I needed to come back in 2 weeks for blood work.  I really had no idea what to think, I just did what they said.  Looking back now, I certainly could have gone to get blood work in my new town.

 

So,  I drove the three hours up and three hours back all in one day…..just for routine blood work.

As I was driving home they called me with the results and said that I was 100% pregnant.  I was excited and happy….. I didn’t cry this time.  Again I was protecting myself…. being hopefully optimistic that the pregnagny would last and that I would actually get a baby out of all this.

I hung up the phone and use siri to call Mr. Main, he didnt answer…  I hung up and used siri to call mom, no answer.  I hung up the phone and used siri to call dad, luckily he answered.  Him and I shared a beautiful moment  where he was the first person to know that I was indeed pregnant.  He cried and at last I shed a couple tears too.

 

I lost one of the babies just a week or so later.  It was only a very small amount of blood but inside I knew what it was.

I had had exciting thoughts about the possibility of having twins, but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had to continue to take hormone medication to keep my body thinking it was pregnant…and it was….

Still I told no one….. I was so scared that the moment I told I would have a miscarriage and then I would have to go back and tell them all “Sorry, just kidding!”

Even my sisters did not find out until I was 20 weeks….that was when we told everyone…..

Maybe that was mean,  but I did not want to have to go back and tell everyone that I had lost the baby.

I just kept saying to myself “I AM PREGNANT!!!”  I could not believe it myself!

I remember going to the store and I felt like I had this amazing secret that nobody knew about.  I think I walked around with a permasmile on my face!!

The shots we not my favorite part.  But,  I was willing to have the sting in order to gain something more, a baby!

P.S

I set up this summer display last week and I sort of love it.  I made this diy chalkboard banner a little while ago so I decided to add BABY on it for the pictures.  It just seemed fitting.

Mr. Main and I have dabbled in video making.  We thought it would be fun to make a quick video to let people know that we were having a baby.  Since we didn’t start to tell people until after the 20 week mark we knew what gender we were having.

If you haven been reading here at all you probably know what we had, if you are new around here check it out!! It is a fun, simple video!!  Scroll down to see it!!